So, this is the only real anonymity that I have left on the internet. I can't really post things to my Facebook anymore for fear of retaliation.
Mother's Day. Just ended according to my clock. I get a wall post on Facebook from my mother telling me that she appreciated the non existent Happy Mother's Day from me.
OMG! I forgot to call my mother on Mother's Day. Let me just point out for the record that this woman is my MOTHER. She gave birth to me. She is not, however, my Mom. She gave that job to her own mom when I was 6 weeks old and very ill. My grandmother is my mom. She passed away when I was 15. I was devastated. I'm still not completely over it. When my grandmother passed away the position of my mom should have been filled by my mother, but it wasn't. My mother's sister took that up. My Aunt Vicki filled, as best she could, the huge hole left in my life by the death of my grandmother.
But that's not even the best part. I also receive a text from my father telling me that I have hurt my mother and that I only think about myself. I didn't call her on Mother's Day. Apparently my father doesn't know me at all if this is what he thinks. Did he even bother to ask if there was possibly anything wrong and a reason why I didn't call my mother? Nope. Here's the thing: I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my fourth child and this one has been rough. We thought we were going to lose him very early on and have just received a mostly clean bill of health for the little guy. We're still keeping tabs on his heart to make sure no defects show up. We finally start to have some positive thoughts and start getting excited about his impending arrival when I start having contractions on Saturday. They got as close as 15 minutes apart. This is not a good thing at 25 weeks. He's not even considered viable to survive for 3 more weeks. If something had happened and he had been born I could have lost him. The doctor put me on bed rest for all of Saturday and told me to keep a close eye on things on Sunday. I complied on Saturday and did as best I could on Sunday. But Sunday (Mother's Day) was pretty hectic. First I had to get up at 7am to get ready to go to work. Drop my daughters off with my fiance's brother and get to work by 8am. Worked until almost 5pm. Got off work had to go pick up my daughters, get them fed and back to their father's house. Then I had to get myself back home and leave enough time for my fiance to get to his second job by 9. Mother's Day?? What Mother's Day?? I saw my children for a grand total of 2 and a half hours today. And oops I forgot to call my mother. Did she bother to try and get in touch with me? Nope.
After I get pissed and cry about the Facebook post and text message I decide to talk to my brother. Since he lives about 10 minutes from our mother and I live about 5 hours, I figured he would know what all went on today. I find out in talking to my brother that my mother had a pretty shitty day herself and that me not calling was more of the straw that broke the camel's back rather than the entire reason for her disappointment in the day. My father, who accused me of only thinking of myself, I found out went off all afternoon to play golf, alone. Hmmm... I had work and my own kids to deal with... My father went to play golf... And I'm the bad guy here? I don't think so.
So, as far as I'm concerned, I'm done. The only reason I will maintain contact with the two of them is my children. I will not deprive them of the relationship with their grandparents. All the shit that goes on between the three of us has nothing to do with them. As far as me, I don't have parents anymore. My mom died when I was 15 and my dad (her husband, my grandfather) died when I was 7. Besides, my awesome fiance has four awesome parents that have done more for me in the 2 and a half years that I have known them than my mother and father have done for me my entire life. I know that if I need anything all I have to do is call one of them and they will be there for me no matter what, no questions asked. That's what parents are supposed to be. Not what my mother and father seem to think parenthood is. And no I don't mean strictly financially. I hate asking for financial help. I feel like a failure anytime we have to even consider it. Fortunately we haven't had to borrow money from anyone for a very long time. I would like to keep that record running. I mean emotional support, including sometimes being told that I'm wrong and need to rethink what I'm attempting to do. I couldn't have picked a better family to marry into. I am so thankful for all of them.
Well, I think I have ranted enough. Time to hit the sack. I have doctor's appointments tomorrow.
Good Night!
Many Random Returns!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Stagnant... It's the word of the day.
Stagnant.
That's the only way to describe how I feel right now. It feels like my life is slowly bogging me down deeper into an abyss and I don't know how to get out of it.
My job thoroughly bores me. My boss is an idiot. I dread each and every day that I have to go to work. It's not challenging at all.
My kids have learned to live without me. They are only 11 and 12, this scares me. They look at me as more of a really cool aunt than their mother. This is probably, at least partly, my fault. I don't spend as much time with them as I would like, but that just goes back to the job that I hate.
I feel myself slowly sliding back into the depression I worked so hard to pull myself out of. It seems of late that nothing brings true joy or pleasure. I just mire through each day, hoping to survive. Surviving the day seems like an accomplishment, it shouldn't.
I recently had a conversation with my Spirit Guide, Cassie. My normally peaceful garden where we meet was in turmoil. Thunderstorms lit up the sky and rained down a cold rain. Cassie told me that there were things that I needed to face. Questions that I needed to ask. I know what the questions are and who I'm supposed to ask, I just don't know how. I honestly don't know how to put them into the right words. I have tried, many times, to get them out and always find myself changing the subject or blaming my current state on something else.
The biggest problem is that I can't really ask anyone for help deciding how to ask these questions. Doing so would betray a confidence and that is just not in my character to do. The questions I need to ask involve secrets that I am the only other person to know. There are 2 people on the planet who know the things I have questions about, myself and the person I need to talk to. This leaves me stuck, stagnant.
I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. I have to. I don't have a choice.
The job thing is a work in progress. I'm looking for other employment, but with the job market the way it is right now, I'm lucky to have what I do.
The questions. That's a little tougher. I can't ask for help. I can't get any advice. Because in order to get advice I would have to go into specifics of the problem and as I said, that's impossible.
I'm also feeling the strong desire to write, but I think that's just because I tend to work things out better on paper than in actual spoken words. I thought typing things out would help, but I find myself even unable to break those confidences on an anonymous blog.
Looks like my journal will be getting a visit from me tonight...
Until next time.
Many random returns!
That's the only way to describe how I feel right now. It feels like my life is slowly bogging me down deeper into an abyss and I don't know how to get out of it.
My job thoroughly bores me. My boss is an idiot. I dread each and every day that I have to go to work. It's not challenging at all.
My kids have learned to live without me. They are only 11 and 12, this scares me. They look at me as more of a really cool aunt than their mother. This is probably, at least partly, my fault. I don't spend as much time with them as I would like, but that just goes back to the job that I hate.
I feel myself slowly sliding back into the depression I worked so hard to pull myself out of. It seems of late that nothing brings true joy or pleasure. I just mire through each day, hoping to survive. Surviving the day seems like an accomplishment, it shouldn't.
I recently had a conversation with my Spirit Guide, Cassie. My normally peaceful garden where we meet was in turmoil. Thunderstorms lit up the sky and rained down a cold rain. Cassie told me that there were things that I needed to face. Questions that I needed to ask. I know what the questions are and who I'm supposed to ask, I just don't know how. I honestly don't know how to put them into the right words. I have tried, many times, to get them out and always find myself changing the subject or blaming my current state on something else.
The biggest problem is that I can't really ask anyone for help deciding how to ask these questions. Doing so would betray a confidence and that is just not in my character to do. The questions I need to ask involve secrets that I am the only other person to know. There are 2 people on the planet who know the things I have questions about, myself and the person I need to talk to. This leaves me stuck, stagnant.
I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. I have to. I don't have a choice.
The job thing is a work in progress. I'm looking for other employment, but with the job market the way it is right now, I'm lucky to have what I do.
The questions. That's a little tougher. I can't ask for help. I can't get any advice. Because in order to get advice I would have to go into specifics of the problem and as I said, that's impossible.
I'm also feeling the strong desire to write, but I think that's just because I tend to work things out better on paper than in actual spoken words. I thought typing things out would help, but I find myself even unable to break those confidences on an anonymous blog.
Looks like my journal will be getting a visit from me tonight...
Until next time.
Many random returns!
Friday, March 12, 2010
A little rant about the state of our school system.
Yesterday I was woken up by a call from my child's school informing me that she had refused to do her work and caused a disturbance in class. This resulted in her being suspended from school for the rest of the day and the following day.
Here's my issue: The child did not want to be in school and was refusing to do her work. They sent her HOME? So, what does this teach her? That if you make a big enough fuss you can get out of your responsibilities?
I don't think there should be out of school suspension. You're basically giving a kid who is misbehaving to get out of doing school work a one to three day vacation from the very thing they don't want to do.
Why not just let the child attend school for the day but instead of sitting and doing boring old classwork they get to pick up trash, clean toilets or help out in the cafeteria for the day? Teach them that without education they will have to settle for manual labor or really practice the phrase "Do you want fries with that?" Oh, and then there's the matter of the school work. While serving an out of school suspension any work missed is not able to be made up. This includes any tests that the child may have missed on their mini vacation. So, wait, these kids don't want to do the work anyway, that's why they act out, so they get a vacation and don't have to do the work?
I remember when I was in school kids would get paddled for misbehaving. There was no out of school suspension and if you didn't want to cooperate in class you were given a work detail instead. Kids were also terrified of what would happen to them when they got home from school if they received one of these work details or worse, an after-school detention. Kids today don't have that fear because parents are now afraid to lay a hand on their kids for fear of DSS/DCF showing up at their front door with accusations of child abuse.
My child upon receiving her suspension then gets an attitude with me because she knows she's in trouble. This results in hours of her screeching like she's being chased by some crazed serial killer, beating on her bedroom door until there is a six to seven inch hole all the way through it and then proceeding to throw all of her bed linens out of her second story bedroom window in an attempt to break her fall as she had decided to jump out of it to get out of the house.
I just don't know what to do. Neither her father nor I have the money available to send her to private school. I really think that a military type school would really do her some good, but those are extremely expensive. There are other children in the equation as well. I don't think it fair to take money away from their upbringing in order to handle a child who simply refuses to do anything that is required of everyone else.
Well, I guess we'll figure something out.
Many random returns!
Here's my issue: The child did not want to be in school and was refusing to do her work. They sent her HOME? So, what does this teach her? That if you make a big enough fuss you can get out of your responsibilities?
I don't think there should be out of school suspension. You're basically giving a kid who is misbehaving to get out of doing school work a one to three day vacation from the very thing they don't want to do.
Why not just let the child attend school for the day but instead of sitting and doing boring old classwork they get to pick up trash, clean toilets or help out in the cafeteria for the day? Teach them that without education they will have to settle for manual labor or really practice the phrase "Do you want fries with that?" Oh, and then there's the matter of the school work. While serving an out of school suspension any work missed is not able to be made up. This includes any tests that the child may have missed on their mini vacation. So, wait, these kids don't want to do the work anyway, that's why they act out, so they get a vacation and don't have to do the work?
I remember when I was in school kids would get paddled for misbehaving. There was no out of school suspension and if you didn't want to cooperate in class you were given a work detail instead. Kids were also terrified of what would happen to them when they got home from school if they received one of these work details or worse, an after-school detention. Kids today don't have that fear because parents are now afraid to lay a hand on their kids for fear of DSS/DCF showing up at their front door with accusations of child abuse.
My child upon receiving her suspension then gets an attitude with me because she knows she's in trouble. This results in hours of her screeching like she's being chased by some crazed serial killer, beating on her bedroom door until there is a six to seven inch hole all the way through it and then proceeding to throw all of her bed linens out of her second story bedroom window in an attempt to break her fall as she had decided to jump out of it to get out of the house.
I just don't know what to do. Neither her father nor I have the money available to send her to private school. I really think that a military type school would really do her some good, but those are extremely expensive. There are other children in the equation as well. I don't think it fair to take money away from their upbringing in order to handle a child who simply refuses to do anything that is required of everyone else.
Well, I guess we'll figure something out.
Many random returns!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
How about a little introduction?
Well, this is me.
I will introduce you to the randomness that is me and the people and things that bring me joy.
First, the basics. I am recently divorced (glad that's over!), mother of three daughters, and currently dating the best boyfriend ever.
I am Wiccan. Yes, this means that I am a witch, but that does not mean that I turn people into toads or anything of the sort. No, I do not worship the devil. To put it simply he is a Christian creation and since I am not Christian I cannot worship someone I do not believe exists.
The people in my life are there for reasons that either I know and enjoy having in my life or for reasons I do not know and can go either way, either I enjoy them or I do not. My ex husband is someone in my life that I know why he is still in my life (three daughters who are all his) and yet I wish would disappear.
My best friends I hold very dear, they are the reasons I am able to get up out of bed everyday and continue on this path called life and not succumb to my own selfishness and end it all. Without all their love and support I would have faltered long ago.
Now comes the things that I enjoy...
First, my books. I read all the time and I have been told that I read too much... Is this even possible? I'm not so sure it is. There are several books I am awaiting publication. They include the newest in the House of Night series by P.C. and Kristin Cast, the last in the Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins, the second in the Fallen trilogy by Lauren Kate and the first of the Kane Chronicles series by Rick Riordan. There are others but I think you get the picture.
Second, Magic: the Gathering. I love playing and I also love simply collecting the cards. It's always like getting a present each time I get a booster pack. What will be inside? Will there be some really great card that I'm missing (or just need more of) or will it be a bunch of cards that I already have. I am eagerly awaiting the newest set which releases in April.
Tattoos. What else can I say. Those who have them know what I mean. They are addictive and, if done correctly, truly works of art. I only have one small one at the moment but have the art ready and waiting for many more. Just need the funds to pay for them.
Music. There is nothing I do that doesn't involve a soundtrack. I simply enjoy music. I listen to a wide variety of genres but draw the line at Country, the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus. I'm sorry, but to me they just aren't music.
One of the newest additions to my list of things I enjoy is role-playing video games. I am currently working on my first, non-Zelda game, Dragon Age: Origins, and LOVE IT. Now the boyfriend wants me to start playing World of Warcraft with him. Not so sure about that one yet. We'll see.
Sometimes there will be rantings. Sometimes it will just be excitement over some new thing that has come out or happened.
I don't actually expect anyone to read my posts. Hell, I'm not even going to tell anyone I know that I have a blog. Sometimes it's best to just be anonymous. There are sometimes things that I just need to get out of my head and don't want to put in black and white in a journal somewhere for people to find. If there is something that I want everyone to know I have my social networking sites for that.
So, there you have the basics.
More randomness to come.
I will introduce you to the randomness that is me and the people and things that bring me joy.
First, the basics. I am recently divorced (glad that's over!), mother of three daughters, and currently dating the best boyfriend ever.
I am Wiccan. Yes, this means that I am a witch, but that does not mean that I turn people into toads or anything of the sort. No, I do not worship the devil. To put it simply he is a Christian creation and since I am not Christian I cannot worship someone I do not believe exists.
The people in my life are there for reasons that either I know and enjoy having in my life or for reasons I do not know and can go either way, either I enjoy them or I do not. My ex husband is someone in my life that I know why he is still in my life (three daughters who are all his) and yet I wish would disappear.
My best friends I hold very dear, they are the reasons I am able to get up out of bed everyday and continue on this path called life and not succumb to my own selfishness and end it all. Without all their love and support I would have faltered long ago.
Now comes the things that I enjoy...
First, my books. I read all the time and I have been told that I read too much... Is this even possible? I'm not so sure it is. There are several books I am awaiting publication. They include the newest in the House of Night series by P.C. and Kristin Cast, the last in the Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins, the second in the Fallen trilogy by Lauren Kate and the first of the Kane Chronicles series by Rick Riordan. There are others but I think you get the picture.
Second, Magic: the Gathering. I love playing and I also love simply collecting the cards. It's always like getting a present each time I get a booster pack. What will be inside? Will there be some really great card that I'm missing (or just need more of) or will it be a bunch of cards that I already have. I am eagerly awaiting the newest set which releases in April.
Tattoos. What else can I say. Those who have them know what I mean. They are addictive and, if done correctly, truly works of art. I only have one small one at the moment but have the art ready and waiting for many more. Just need the funds to pay for them.
Music. There is nothing I do that doesn't involve a soundtrack. I simply enjoy music. I listen to a wide variety of genres but draw the line at Country, the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus. I'm sorry, but to me they just aren't music.
One of the newest additions to my list of things I enjoy is role-playing video games. I am currently working on my first, non-Zelda game, Dragon Age: Origins, and LOVE IT. Now the boyfriend wants me to start playing World of Warcraft with him. Not so sure about that one yet. We'll see.
Sometimes there will be rantings. Sometimes it will just be excitement over some new thing that has come out or happened.
I don't actually expect anyone to read my posts. Hell, I'm not even going to tell anyone I know that I have a blog. Sometimes it's best to just be anonymous. There are sometimes things that I just need to get out of my head and don't want to put in black and white in a journal somewhere for people to find. If there is something that I want everyone to know I have my social networking sites for that.
So, there you have the basics.
More randomness to come.
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